Kaput and Losing Respect

Whatever I set out to do today had gone kaput. No money to spare. Duh. Reality is biting him hard. He can't provide for his family. I have accepted that. I am not really angry. I have long ago told myself if I'll have the chance to go back in time, I'll marry someone who has the courage to work hard for his family and will not stop at accepting or thinking what fate has given him.

I can't get angry now. I have accepted that I am the bread winner of this family. That's not a problem with me. But I have long ago lost my respect for him. In fact I think I don't love him anymore. Not in a romantic way. Yes, if I can go back in time, I won't marry him. I won't. I am saying this without bitterness. It's just that. I lost my respect for him. I care for him that is so true. But love like I used to? I don't know.

I'm challenging myself. What if he suddenly has all the money in the world, will my feelings go back? If he has all the money in the world and knows what to do with them, my respect will go back. I might probably love him again. I really don't know. Maybe I'll just ask what's due for our daughter.

I am not thinking of another man. No. At this point in my life, it's not a man I am looking for to make me feel alive again. I am so alive. With just my daughter, I can live forever. Another man is out of the question. It's really about respect that I don't have for him anymore.

I should have seen things coming. But anyway, I am thankful because I am not wallowing on anger and any negativity. I am just stating what I am feeling now. And so be it. What's clear is I determined now, more than ever, to provide everything for my family. For my daughter.

My thoughts are on my job now. And how to better manage my finances, my life with my daughter.