TheTales of 'In-the-Mean-Time-Stay-at-Home-Womyn

I feel better compared the last weeks. I am not saying I'm at my best but I am handling myself better.

I will make this blog a chronicle of my day to day living as a stay at home woman, meaning, no career to speak of at the moment. I am pretty challenged by this even after several months of keeping a home. My job applications are on-going. Two things, I need a job, I want a job. I cannot be a stay at home woman. I want to be out there in the playing field while being dutiful with my role as a mother, a wife and everything else that I am. I guess that is not a pretty bad perspective.

While I am at it, let me decorate this little abode of my mine. Let me make a big fuss over this and put fancy things in here. I may have started on a very serious note but it's just the way I am (or most of us, I guess). Sometimes we feel it's downhill but come on, we do things to make our life and ourselves up and about. So that's what's going to be in here generally. Let me adopt a blog template which could just liven up this space. I naturally go for zen but let me get out of my comfort zone this time. I am allowing myself to be dainty and all that.

Silent Screams

I found out the hardest thing to do is forgiving oneself. My emotions for the past weeks has been fluctuating. I am good one moment, the following day I am scared of what tomorrow will bring me.

A while ago I was going nuts - without anyone in the house noticing it. I'm good at that. Hiding my frustrations. I don't know if they manifest in other ways. I screamed silently. I pulled my hair. I punched the wall. My knuckles hurt now especially the right ring finger. I don't know if I am close to breaking down. I don't think so. I can still think.

As I was saying, the hardest thing is forgiving oneself. I have come to terms with myself, I have forgiven myself from all the wrong decisions I have done which got us to where we are now. I need to forgive myself before I can totally move forward.

At times, like right now, I can't help but blame myself again. But I needed to stop doing it. I told myself life is just too short to sulk and worry about things that have already happened.

I sit here now wondering how I can correct all the mistakes I have made since I was a little girl. I did not do good in college. I did not do my best at work. I was not able to nurture relations. I did not plan how this marriage is going to end up (can this be planned?). I was not able to help my parents. I did not plan for our future.

A lot of good things happened in my life and I am thankful about them. But they could have been great if only I had the vision and the maturity to assess what is really going on in my life. I am just facing facts now. I don't want to sugar coat my life with words like at least I have this and that. At least I had the opportunity to experience this and that. Let me just get my facts straight. I am broke, I am not happy with my marriage, I don't know where to go from here.

Now at midlife I am racing against time. I am thinking what are my chances. I would like to start picking up the pieces but where do I start. There are lots of shards scattered in front of me. What piece should I pick up first until I have picked up everything and everything is whole again.

I have not asked help from anyone. All my life I have corrected my mistakes all by myself. Pride yes, but doing things by myself is my way of redeeming myself. I don't want to bother anyone in the first place. Modesty aside, I have always succeeded in correcting my mistakes.

Scenes when I was in college and crying by myself when I know I have frustrated my parents are kind of repeating. Now I have disappointed my family and I am crying my heart out alone.

My husband's role is another story. I am focused about myself now, focused at what I should do to make us live a good life again and more.

It hurts really. And scary, not knowing what lies ahead. I'm keeping the faith.

A part of me thinks I am my father's child. If I am, I know then that I will be able to rise and shine again.

An Introduction

I could easily make a private journal as I have always done in the past but I want to reach out, communicate with the rest of the world. I don't know, maybe I will make a conscious effort to connect with others in the world wide web. Or maybe stay put where I am and if there are others who will encounter my blog, let it be. All I want is to chronicle my life as I get back on track and pick up the pieces again. Sometimes I may need someone to talk to even through this blog. Sometimes I will choose to be silent and just let my thoughts flow whether someone is listening (or reading for that matter) or none.

I will remain anonymous. I will never divulge myself because I will bare my soul in this blog. If in case there would be so much interest on the things that I will be sharing here, please do not try to trace me. I just want to chronicle the success of my life, from the time I start mending all loose ends to making my life seamless again and enjoying a good life once more.

I would like to justify to myself why do I even blog about this if I would remain anonymous. I guess it's all about telling myself things are really happening. Things are real and I need to see them, feel them, write them as they unfold. Indulgence maybe. Whatever it is, I need to write/post them and reread my life as I experience it.