I found out the hardest thing to do is forgiving oneself. My emotions for the past weeks has been fluctuating. I am good one moment, the following day I am scared of what tomorrow will bring me.
A while ago I was going nuts - without anyone in the house noticing it. I'm good at that. Hiding my frustrations. I don't know if they manifest in other ways. I screamed silently. I pulled my hair. I punched the wall. My knuckles hurt now especially the right ring finger. I don't know if I am close to breaking down. I don't think so. I can still think.
As I was saying, the hardest thing is forgiving oneself. I have come to terms with myself, I have forgiven myself from all the wrong decisions I have done which got us to where we are now. I need to forgive myself before I can totally move forward.
At times, like right now, I can't help but blame myself again. But I needed to stop doing it. I told myself life is just too short to sulk and worry about things that have already happened.
I sit here now wondering how I can correct all the mistakes I have made since I was a little girl. I did not do good in college. I did not do my best at work. I was not able to nurture relations. I did not plan how this marriage is going to end up (can this be planned?). I was not able to help my parents. I did not plan for our future.
A lot of good things happened in my life and I am thankful about them. But they could have been great if only I had the vision and the maturity to assess what is really going on in my life. I am just facing facts now. I don't want to sugar coat my life with words like at least I have this and that. At least I had the opportunity to experience this and that. Let me just get my facts straight. I am broke, I am not happy with my marriage, I don't know where to go from here.
Now at midlife I am racing against time. I am thinking what are my chances. I would like to start picking up the pieces but where do I start. There are lots of shards scattered in front of me. What piece should I pick up first until I have picked up everything and everything is whole again.
I have not asked help from anyone. All my life I have corrected my mistakes all by myself. Pride yes, but doing things by myself is my way of redeeming myself. I don't want to bother anyone in the first place. Modesty aside, I have always succeeded in correcting my mistakes.
Scenes when I was in college and crying by myself when I know I have frustrated my parents are kind of repeating. Now I have disappointed my family and I am crying my heart out alone.
My husband's role is another story. I am focused about myself now, focused at what I should do to make us live a good life again and more.
It hurts really. And scary, not knowing what lies ahead. I'm keeping the faith.
A part of me thinks I am my father's child. If I am, I know then that I will be able to rise and shine again.
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