Brick Walls Will Tumble Down

My feelings have not changed since yesterday. I'm not up to doing anything. I woke up with sad thoughts written on my face. All my thoughts are still about how I can stand a husband who did not do anything for me since we got married, and even before we got married. Even the only thing he has given me I learned he did not actually buy because he thought of me. It was a give-away from a perfume he bought for himself.

Anyway, it will be a losing battle if I will just mope. I will set him aside and just do good about my life and my daughter's. Let's see how I will feel about him in the coming days. For now, I should just be thinking what's the best thing to do. And my thoughts is getting myself hired in a job I really love. So help me, God.

Hey, hey! Some good news, seems I'm losing weight. I don't look haggard in spite of the things on my mind. That made me smile.

All these brick walls will tumble down I know. All these challenges are making me a more determined person.

Kaput and Losing Respect

Whatever I set out to do today had gone kaput. No money to spare. Duh. Reality is biting him hard. He can't provide for his family. I have accepted that. I am not really angry. I have long ago told myself if I'll have the chance to go back in time, I'll marry someone who has the courage to work hard for his family and will not stop at accepting or thinking what fate has given him.

I can't get angry now. I have accepted that I am the bread winner of this family. That's not a problem with me. But I have long ago lost my respect for him. In fact I think I don't love him anymore. Not in a romantic way. Yes, if I can go back in time, I won't marry him. I won't. I am saying this without bitterness. It's just that. I lost my respect for him. I care for him that is so true. But love like I used to? I don't know.

I'm challenging myself. What if he suddenly has all the money in the world, will my feelings go back? If he has all the money in the world and knows what to do with them, my respect will go back. I might probably love him again. I really don't know. Maybe I'll just ask what's due for our daughter.

I am not thinking of another man. No. At this point in my life, it's not a man I am looking for to make me feel alive again. I am so alive. With just my daughter, I can live forever. Another man is out of the question. It's really about respect that I don't have for him anymore.

I should have seen things coming. But anyway, I am thankful because I am not wallowing on anger and any negativity. I am just stating what I am feeling now. And so be it. What's clear is I determined now, more than ever, to provide everything for my family. For my daughter.

My thoughts are on my job now. And how to better manage my finances, my life with my daughter.

I Am So Going Back!

I have been wanting to put down these thoughts into writing. Let me do it now.

So far, there are only two women I have met through my social networking who are so sincere when they say they are contented with being stay-at-home-mothers. One has her down moments at times but I think it's mostly financial. But she is generally a happy well-rounded person. She takes care of herself, her family and her home very well.

The other one is someone everyone loves because her sincerity is just so real. She loves what she is doing as a home keeper. There's no mean bone in this woman.

I love these two girls!

The others, unfortunately, pretend. I am not saying they are bad persons. But, come on, girls! You love working but you're stuck at home. I feel that these kinds of women think they are missing a lot. They think it's really cool to be a career mom. It is for me! Because I need to work and yes, I love to be out there rubbing elbows and kick ass with the rest of my colleagues. But see, at least you can afford to stay home and let your husbands do all the hard work. Right now, I can't have that.

These moms get all giddy telling the whole world their calendars are full. They think it's so cool to be busy. I just feel that sometimes they coax themselves that it's great to stay with their kids and man the house and all that when it's evident that they want to be busy with other things too like working for example.

Admit it, sometimes your brain stagnate when you are at home all the time. You want fancy clothes too. There are women who are made to be home keepers which is just as great as women who are born to be career moms. I am the latter. I can't stay home just doing household chores. I want to do both - be a home keeper and continue to be a career mother. Amen.

Being a stay-at-home-mom is new to me. I sometimes freak out. I feel so useless. It feels like time is passing me by. I love to be with my daughter though. I love her more than anyone else in my life. That's the best part of staying home. But I need to provide her the things she needs, and wants. That's why I need to be back in the work force.

I really need it. And I want it.

Dreaming of the Ocean

I haven't posted here for several days. There's nothing much that preoccupied me except for the usual. I wake up before ten in the morning, wash the dishes if there are left-overs from the previous night (water is usually gone at around ten in the evening), cook for lunch, have a good bath, check my applications, apply some more. These are the things that eat my morning everyday.

I was not able to go to the gym last week because it's that time of the month. But I can now. I will be out of the house after lunch. I have to check my account, haircut for me and my daughter and then the gym.

My husband looks gloomy again because it's time to pay most of the monthly bills. We have not enrolled our daughter yet. I wonder what he will do so we can enroll her. Well anyway I don't want to dwell on him nor any of my negative feelings. All the negative emotions are creeping in even in my dreams.

I dreamed I was with my family sailing in the ocean. The water is dirt black. I googled what could it mean. Dreaming of the ocean seems good. According to Dream Moods:

To see an ocean in your dream, represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of some spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal.

To dream that you are sailing through the rough seas, indicates that you are able to handle life's ups and downs.

To dream that you are traveling across the ocean, signifies new found freedom and independence. You are showing great courage.

But.....

To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to devote some time to clarify your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, it suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded.

Oh well, I still don't have calls for any job applications I did. But I'm holding on, telling myself to "hang in there".

So help me, God.

Hurt Pride

This hurt pride could be liberating in the end. I won't go into details but I don't like the feeling that I have nothing to show for. My husband is my exact opposite. I am full of pride and he is just so not.

Let me tell you something though. This pride of mine I'm talking about is not the kind of pride which is just arrogant and feeling high and mighty. NO. My pride is what keeps me sane. It's all I have. And I'd like to maintain it that way. Until everything is smooth and going great, I'd keep all my concerns to myself. I'm not one to ask anyone for a direct advise. I do things by myself and that keeps me sane. I ask help in my own way but I don't really open up even to my parents every little concern I have. I am like this since I was a child. And I will die like this. My pride keeps me sane.

I feel bad my pride is ruined but I cannot blame anyone for it. Like what I have said, this could be liberating in the end. And anyway, it's not like I am going to be this way forever. It's just that this is distracting me now. I hope there will be no follow-up questions. It might kill me. Ha! My heart is a bit heavy as I type this. Figuratively and literally. I hope this soon goes away.

So anyway, what did this in-the-mean-time-stay-at-home-womyn did today? Apart from the usual cooking for lunch, freshening up and checking my mails and Facebook, I finished a writing assignment. That's about it half of the day. It's a holiday today so my trip to the bank was postponed. There would be no calls from my applications today as office will resume by Monday.

So help me, God. I need a job, pronto! Save my finances, save my sanity.

Thank You.

TheTales of 'In-the-Mean-Time-Stay-at-Home-Womyn

I feel better compared the last weeks. I am not saying I'm at my best but I am handling myself better.

I will make this blog a chronicle of my day to day living as a stay at home woman, meaning, no career to speak of at the moment. I am pretty challenged by this even after several months of keeping a home. My job applications are on-going. Two things, I need a job, I want a job. I cannot be a stay at home woman. I want to be out there in the playing field while being dutiful with my role as a mother, a wife and everything else that I am. I guess that is not a pretty bad perspective.

While I am at it, let me decorate this little abode of my mine. Let me make a big fuss over this and put fancy things in here. I may have started on a very serious note but it's just the way I am (or most of us, I guess). Sometimes we feel it's downhill but come on, we do things to make our life and ourselves up and about. So that's what's going to be in here generally. Let me adopt a blog template which could just liven up this space. I naturally go for zen but let me get out of my comfort zone this time. I am allowing myself to be dainty and all that.

Silent Screams

I found out the hardest thing to do is forgiving oneself. My emotions for the past weeks has been fluctuating. I am good one moment, the following day I am scared of what tomorrow will bring me.

A while ago I was going nuts - without anyone in the house noticing it. I'm good at that. Hiding my frustrations. I don't know if they manifest in other ways. I screamed silently. I pulled my hair. I punched the wall. My knuckles hurt now especially the right ring finger. I don't know if I am close to breaking down. I don't think so. I can still think.

As I was saying, the hardest thing is forgiving oneself. I have come to terms with myself, I have forgiven myself from all the wrong decisions I have done which got us to where we are now. I need to forgive myself before I can totally move forward.

At times, like right now, I can't help but blame myself again. But I needed to stop doing it. I told myself life is just too short to sulk and worry about things that have already happened.

I sit here now wondering how I can correct all the mistakes I have made since I was a little girl. I did not do good in college. I did not do my best at work. I was not able to nurture relations. I did not plan how this marriage is going to end up (can this be planned?). I was not able to help my parents. I did not plan for our future.

A lot of good things happened in my life and I am thankful about them. But they could have been great if only I had the vision and the maturity to assess what is really going on in my life. I am just facing facts now. I don't want to sugar coat my life with words like at least I have this and that. At least I had the opportunity to experience this and that. Let me just get my facts straight. I am broke, I am not happy with my marriage, I don't know where to go from here.

Now at midlife I am racing against time. I am thinking what are my chances. I would like to start picking up the pieces but where do I start. There are lots of shards scattered in front of me. What piece should I pick up first until I have picked up everything and everything is whole again.

I have not asked help from anyone. All my life I have corrected my mistakes all by myself. Pride yes, but doing things by myself is my way of redeeming myself. I don't want to bother anyone in the first place. Modesty aside, I have always succeeded in correcting my mistakes.

Scenes when I was in college and crying by myself when I know I have frustrated my parents are kind of repeating. Now I have disappointed my family and I am crying my heart out alone.

My husband's role is another story. I am focused about myself now, focused at what I should do to make us live a good life again and more.

It hurts really. And scary, not knowing what lies ahead. I'm keeping the faith.

A part of me thinks I am my father's child. If I am, I know then that I will be able to rise and shine again.